One Hundred Years As An Extra

I thought that this was how I died. It was inevitable. And it might come to pass soon. I recalled Kaichen walking by me and held onto that memory.

Save me.

He raised his eyebrows to express his dissatisfaction. His annoyed expression always plastered permanently on his face. I smiled. I liked his low-pitched voice, his irritated gaze and his flustered self. Help me.

I met his warm gaze in my memory. It warmed my heart. It felt like a comforting hug. I was saved every time by that one gaze. That kindly gaze which said he understood and that it was okay.

Save me… Teacher.

I believed in him. I trusted him. He was precious to me and irreplaceable. I longed for him. I realized I had feelings for him and didn’t mind it even if it was just one-sided.

He was a ray of light that I had barely grasped as I struggled inside the terrible memory. The suffering, the pain, the terrible voice and everything I saw remained unchanged, but I felt alive and hopeful. My tears were a testament to the fact that I was still human. I just had to hang on till he came to save me. Just thinking about him felt reassuring. I could withstand this. I will overcome it.

He had made a home deep in my heart. It wasn’t because of comfort that the thought of spending the rest of my life in Willow House appealed to me. It was because I had feelings for Kaichen. I loved him. I wanted to be by his side. I wanted him to be by my side if he was okay with it.

I realized I had made numerous excuses just to be by his side. I had convinced myself that he was just a path for me through which I could build a quiet life here. I had sought to become his disciple because I wanted to be by his side to give fruition to my plans. But Kaichen was my beginning and my end. It was a pity I had never been able to tell him about my feelings for him because I had never acknowledged it. I had been lying to myself all this time. If only I could see you one last time, Teacher, I would hold your hand this time. For real. Not as a joke.

*

Kaichen himself thought that he was crazy. Just as the time of rut comes to beasts, he wondered if such a time may have come for him as well. He washed his face with cold water, seriously contemplating the changes in his body that had no other explanations. He had already surpassed the appropriate range of patience with holding hands, but the feel of her skin had given him goosebumps all over.

“D*mn it!” He had been frequently spitting out curse words at the mirror these days. He was irritated by the desires he felt for her. He felt frustrated at his bloodshot eyes. He wasn’t able to sleep.

One becomes an adult in the Kalhai Empire at seventeen. The average people of the Empire get married and have children in their early twenties. So, Kaichen, by that measure, was old.

In his twenty-eight years of life, Kaichen had never been interested in any woman. After suffering betrayal from Dalia when he was young, he had lost interest in forming any kind of bond with anybody else. But that didn’t mean he was clueless about s*xual awakenings. Kaichen had wandered around the Empire with Julius. Julius wasn’t one to ignore his needs.

“Kaichen. Let me tell you this. There are three most basic needs for a human being: Food, sleep and s*x.”

“S*x is not a need. It’s just like… excretion.”

“What are you even talking about?” Julius had laughed. “S*xual desire is a human urge and a need. People can’t live without it.”

“In the first place, don’t go making generalizations about human needs. It might be your choice to live life in that manner and other people might have different choices.”

“It’s true! The core, basic needs of humans are those three.”

“S*x is nothing more than an act of reproduction to propagate the human race. It doesn’t mean you can’t live without it.”

“Oh, come on, Kaichen! How do you know if you haven’t tried it? Do you want to go with me today?”

“Just get lost and leave me alone.”

Julius had never been one to shy away from things that gave him pleasure. He knew his needs and he sought them. There were things Kaichen knew about those needs when your friend has been around the block more than necessary.