The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

When I saw how my System lettered its message with gold, I had the sudden impulse to crash my head into a wall.

“Epic Quest, the hell! Isn’t it a little too difficult for me to be thrown into the world of Resident Evil all of a sudden!? Besides, this is clearly supposed to be a mystical fantasy world; why would Resident Evil suddenly appear?! What does it even mean when it said ‘I can now exchange for firearms?’ Do you really intend to watch me learn how to use guns and play in a real life FPS game?”

My continuous retorts received no response. I could only face the clearly worsening situation.

Making ordinary grains possess Kasolan’s Tears as part of their chemical components and even helping them grow naturally would be equivalent to creating an all-new unique species of grain. I didn’t have the capability to do this. But that didn’t mean that the Undead Emperors, the rulers of the Undead Planes, wouldn’t have the power to do so.

By now, with my System’s hints, I could pretty much guess at the Undead Emperors’ intentions.

Ordinary humans would be unable to ingest the medicinal potion Kasolan’s Blessing. It was an excellent curative and mana replenishment potion for high-level undead mages. Yet human bodies had an astonishing power to adapt. An extremely slight amount, when accumulated over the days and years, would possess the power to change the physical nature of human bodies.

If this grain had been consumed by the entirety of the Bardi Empire’s population for over ten years, then it was possible that most people in the Bardi Empire possessed an astonishing amount of Kasolan’s Tears within them. They would have an astonishingly high natural talent for undead magic, and once the Undead Plague or Undead Calamity or whatever arrived, perhaps it would be time for everyone to play Plants vs. Zombies together.

“Not only will the Undead Calamity easily spread far beyond what was anticipated in scale, it will likely also create an incredible number of high-level undead. I think that Baron Toilet will be at least at the level of a Death Knight Lord. Undead Calamities will never lack in cannon fodder, but they usually lack mid-level elites and highest-level combat strength, and this would make up for their weakness.”

“That guy’s name was Matt, not Toilet… [1] 1 fine, I know it’s not time to comment on his name. If it were me, since the Bardi government is already supporting me to such a great degree, even spending twenty years to cultivate a large group of undead mages is worthwhile. By that time, the undead armies will have large numbers of mid-level elites and lich candidates. But even if we now understand their plot, what can we do?”

When I asked Harloys this question, she was instantly rendered speechless despite how eloquent she had been just earlier.

Indeed, what were we supposed to do? Just because we discovered their plot didn’t mean that we’d be able to deal with it. The Undead Emperors had been preparing in the Bardi Empire for at least the past several decades. We entered this too late. To use an analogy, it was as if we joined in on the losing side of a chess game when the situation was totally under the enemy’s control. There was no way to overturn the situation.

As for fighting the undead army’s current forces head-on? First, let’s ignore how the undead were now considered high-ranked nobles recognized by the Bardi Empire. Attacking another country’s nobles would be no different from declaring outright war. Even without caring about the chaos that would bring, I wouldn’t win in a head-on fight as there were thirteen Undead Emperors in total. If two or more of them fought together against me, I would be forced to use God’s Descent. And if the Undead Emperors I faced were the veterans among Undead Emperors, perhaps even God’s Descent wouldn’t be sufficient.

But fortunately, although I wasn’t sure why, I hadn’t noticed the signs of the Undead Emperors descending upon the mortal plane yet. The complete descent of any existence at such a high level onto the mortal plane would bring about obvious signs. The True Gods would definitely send divine messages as well. Since everything was still calm for the time being, it would seem that their Dimensional Descent plan must have met with an unexpected obstacle.

Most normal people here would only consider how to defend against the Undead Emperors’ invasion. However, I thought much deeper into things than that, with greater complexity. After all, I was once an Undead Emperor as well and knew much about them.

While it was normal for other humans to view these SemiGod Undead Emperors as harbingers of destruction, I knew that they actually had their own desires and goals. They definitely weren’t the type of idiots who destroyed only for the sake of destruction.

“…Transforming the entire mortal plane into another Undead Plane is definitely impossible. That would mean destroying the entire Cycle of Reincarnation, which would be the equivalent of declaring war against all the Order Gods and Chaos Gods simultaneously. Besides, the Undead Planes’ environment should be the most suitable for the undead. But, if they choose to join the Holy War, they have to choose either the side of Order or Chaos. Or at least a temporary alliance with one side. The undead definitely don’t have a good relationship with the Holy Light, but they have equally bad compatibility with the demons of Chaos. It doesn’t seem likely that they’ll join either side, so is there a third option that I’m missing? Or are they intending to fight all on their own with no allies? But they’re investing so much into this and paying such a large price. What’s their final goal?”

Many thoughts coursed through my mind. As long as I didn’t know the final goal of the Undead Emperors, it would be quite difficult for me to think of suitable counterplans to deal with them.

Ask the Holy Church for help? The Holy Church had already declared war against Orloss. Even if I gave the Holy Church evidence of what I just found, that would only increase the speed at which the Holy Church brought war to the Bardi Empire’s doorstep.

Disguise ourselves and sneak into the Bardi Empire’s capital city? First of all, we were already so busy with other matters. And as long as the enemy wasn’t an idiot, the Bardi Empire’s capital city would possess an insane amount of combat strength in it right now. Even a True God’s avatar would likely find it difficult to survive there.

“It would seem that I’m going to have to use Plan W.”

“What!? You’re actually going to use that plan that’s completely lacking in morals!? You need to think about the consequences. Aren’t you afraid of the endless repercussions?”

“I’ve already thought about them. No matter what the result is, at least it’ll be better than now! Right, help me word things and write the report.”

“Sure… Just tell me what your Plan W is first, and I’ll immediately write the report for you. Just what could this plan be? It actually even needs a report? Who is this report for?”

Seeing how the silly cat was doing her best to not laugh, I knew that she had been teasing me yet again.

“You didn’t even know what Plan W was and you still called it completely lacking in morals and having endless consequences? You’re such a rascal!”

“You’re the rascal! Let’s not mention how you never even brought up this Plan W of yours, but whenever you think up such a large-scale plan, when was it ever not insane with endless consequences? Even if I didn’t know the details, I know that someone like you will never come up with any normal ideas.”

Alright then, she really got me there. It would seem that I had absolutely nothing I could counter her with. Describing my Plan W as completely lacking in morals, insane, and possibly possessing endless consequences all seemed to be right on the mark. The core thought process of this plan was “since the enemy’s already flipped the table and is acting ridiculously, nobody can play by the rules anyways, so why don’t we just bomb the entire room?”

I thought that this silly cat had spied on my plan from somewhere yet again, but I had only come up with this plan of mine a few days ago and hadn’t told anyone yet. In that case, I may as well explain it to her now.

And when I finished explaining my plan to her, just as I expected, that blonde loli revealed an expression of shock and disbelief. That look in her eyes seemed to be angrily roaring at me, “Just what the hell is your brain made of!?” Even drool was dripping out of her mouth without her noticing it. It made her seem like a broken loli.

But, as expected of a thousand-years-old fake loli whose personal accessories were all mega artifacts, she soon regained her senses. After some thinking to reorganize her thoughts and digest the fierce impact she just received, she began discussing the details with me.

“…This report won’t be approved if you take everything by yourself. We need to modify it and give our partners the opportunity to receive benefits as well. This way, it maximizes the available benefits for everyone. In that case, even if we don’t do anything ourselves, they’ll carry out this plan on their own. After all, all you care about is the final result, right? Then it might not be a bad idea to let go of your total control over your plan. If you’re too greedy and want all the profits, you need to be careful of the veteran True Gods swatting you to death.”

As expected of someone her age; she was truly experienced. She was definitely someone who couldn’t be judged based on her physical appearance. With her assistance, my plan’s success rate was now projected to have increased by thirty percent. And now that we finished working out the final kinks, we began writing the report. And, when we submitted the report, the skies were already lighting up.

Who was the report for?

“Martial Arts Harem Story Protagonist Mass Production Plan?” One day later, when Ayer looked through the thick letter that Wumianzhe sent him, even he paused in surprise for several minutes.

As long as I intentionally thought about something and focused on it, I could transmit my thoughts to Wumianzhe because of my connection with him. Then, Wumianzhe would logically process whether this plan was workable and effective enough. If Wumianzhe decided that the plan was beneficial for itself and Law, he would naturally accept it and carry out the plan.

And now that the plan had arrived in Ayer’s hands, it doubtlessly meant that Wumianzhe by himself was unable to carry out this Plan W singlehandedly. Assistance from other Gods was necessary.

“…How insane. Yet, it seems like it just might work. Elliot, write letters to Patricia, Catio, and Benny. The message should be that ‘Our little bro has a nice idea, and we’re finally going to have a chance at some fun. Perhaps you all will even have the chance to become Main Gods.\'”

But, after some hesitation, Ayer stopped his own subordinate.

“Forget it, call them over here for a discussion instead. Erin, increase the guard level of the Death God’s Divine Kingdom. We need to keep things top-secret here. Otherwise, the Order Gods might have an internal conflict first, which won’t be fun. Little Roland, you’re giving me something mega troublesome here. Heh, it seems like I won’t be bored anymore for some time.”

Of course, I didn’t know that this plan gave certain Gods major headaches, nor did I know about an endless upcoming series of discussions among the True Gods that would test their wisdom and experience. Right now, what I still had to deal with was the severe situation in the Bardi Empire.

A large amount of grains had been tainted with Kasolan’s Tears. The moment some large-scale undead magic spell was activated, the consequences would be immeasurably immense, but…

“Who cares? It has nothing to do with me. I’m not a hero who’s going to save the world. As for saving the people, let’s give that job over to the Holy Church. Besides, with the situation as terrible as it is already, it’s impossible to do anything about it even if I wanted to.”

Even I, a several-hundred-year-old chuunibyou , knew that some things were simply impossible to do. This was a situation where the Undead Emperors had prepared for several decades. Trying now to forcibly do something would be no different from jumping directly into a pit naked and fighting against the Undead Emperors—it would be suicidal.

Besides, there weren’t any solutions in the small details, either. The people here had already consumed these grains for over a decade. If I told them now that there was a problem with their food, even if I proved it for them, I would cause nothing other than mass-scale panic and the Undead Emperors’ premature activation of their plan since I didn’t have any way to rectify the foundational changes in their body. Of course, there would also be a mass famine. The Bardi people had probably long since discarded their original grain seeds.

Slaughter entire cities? Let’s not mention the fact that the Undead Calamity hadn’t arrived yet. Even if it arrived, with the entire country like this, where would I even start slaughtering from? And if I slaughtered cities, that would be perfect for the Undead Emperors to start summoning undead, and I would even be made out to be the evil one.

So, since the problem was already huge to the point of no recovery, that meant that it was actually easy to deal with. At any rate, I decided to not care about it anymore and just do what I needed to do. I also reported about the Undead Emperors’ plot in my report to the Gods. It was their turn to worry about such things. Yep, I did such an excellent job in tossing the responsibility to others. I refused to be responsible for solving this problem!

Well, of course we had to make some changes ourselves as well. At the very least, from today onwards, nobody in my group was going to be eating any more local Bardi grains anymore. Of course, Harloys and I were exceptions, as the Kasolan’s Tears would be excellent for our bodies.

Since we discovered all this, I unhesitatingly left Baron Matt’s domain the moment the sky lit up. With the situation at such a terrible state, the undead had probably secretly taken control over the entire country decades ago without the humans realizing it. Continuing to idly travel about in the Bardi Empire had lost its meaning.

While on the road, I did an experiment with Carolyn and some other Bardi citizens’ blood but found out something rather unexpected. Everyone from the capital possessed at least three times the amount of Kasolan’s Tears in their body compared to the locals here. It would seem that the people in the capital had started eating these grains much earlier, so they were poisoned more deeply.

Still, once again, there was nothing we could do. From now on, we would follow the original plan to continue down this tour of inspection, extorting nobles to enrich our wallets while slowly making our way to Port Victoria… but that was obviously impossible.

Not every noble was one with needs like Baron Matt’s. Most local domain lords acted just like emperors within their own territories, and it was only natural that they felt enmity and on guard towards centralized authority. And, the farther out from the capital a location was, the stronger the belief in Holy Light. It was only natural that there would be enmity towards the undead.

Still, we were supposedly the imperial envoy group that represented Emperor Orloss. On the surface, they treated us quite politely. Despite the warm welcomes, however, there was always a sense of distance between us. Wherever we went, we would be stared at with looks filled with enmity. This caused us to feel complex emotions. In a way, this was a good thing, as it meant that the Bardi Empire wasn’t a rock-solid nation with high internal unity. At the very least, these areas far away from the capital still had their own way of thinking. However, always being treated with such enmity was an unpleasant experience.

And, when we finally arrived as planned at the road intersection leading to Port Victoria, we heaved huge sighs of relief. This was a new territory that the Bardi Empire recently obtained so its control in this area wasn’t quite as strong. Even if something really happened, we had confidence in our ability to escape.

But, the moment that we stopped at a local Earl’s residence, we heard two pieces of headline news.

First was that Pope Caloma had formally set a date for the Holy War against Emperor Orloss. The pope requested for all the countries that believed in the Holy Light to send out armies within the time limit of two months, all to organize a holy army which would formally fight against the Bardi Empire.

“The pope probably became even more determined due to the news we sent out from here.”

The second piece of headline news was quite visible, without even needing to hear about it. Under the distant white clouds, the attention-catching sight of volcanoes erupting explained everything already. The fact that we could sense earthquakes and the rampaging of earth and fire elementals from over one thousand kilometers away was indisputable evidence.

“A forbidden spell! And it’s even a double forbidden spell with dual elements of earth and fire!”

The news was quite simple, but the content made me contemplate much about it. The Mage Country was the first to accept Pope Caloma’s summons in declaring formal battle against the Bardi Empire. With their very first attack, the Mage Country used a forbidden spell to assail one of the Bardi Empire’s major forts, Fort Florset. The Bardi Empire suffered major losses, losing over 100,000 elite military forces that were defending this fort.

And, for the sake of revenge, the Bardi Empire’s ace of aces troop, their dragon knight squad, had now entered combat. An Epic-level battle between archmages and huge dragons was soon about to begin, with all-out war between these two mega-countries having broken out.

[Eich’s Seven Hells, Prologue: “The Whispering of Demons” has ended. The times are moving forward. Chapter 1: “The Vultures of Battle” has temporarily been sealed due to your efforts in creating peace and unity in the Underground World. Scene 3, “The Despairing Calamity,” has now been prematurely activated. System Reminder: What’s scheduled to arrive will always arrive.]

Notes:

[1] TL/N: ‘Matt’ and the Chinese word for toilet are phonetically similar in Chinese.