I’m Really a Superstar

Translator: Legge Editor: Legge

Real-time comments were being posted online.

"Wow, it\'s really quite good!"

"What\'s quite good?"

"Zhang Ye\'s crosstalk?"

"You guys actually bothered to watch? Didn\'t everyone say that there was nothing to look forward to?"

"It has just started, but it still feels the same! It\'s full of humor!"

"Really? Damn, I should go watch!"

"Hurry then. I was nearly fooled by those haters! Who said that it wouldn\'t be good?"

"It\'s still the familiar Zhang Ye we\'re used to. We just have to see how it goes from here!"

Meanwhile, some of those from the crosstalk world scoffed at this.

One of Tang Dazhang\'s disciples commented: "A gala crosstalk\'s difficulty lies in its punchlines. It depends greatly on its artistry and overall integrity of the entire routine. Just because a few bits were done well, it doesn\'t mean the routine will be good. Even if the entire routine were scattered with all kinds of gags and jokes, if the entirety of it does not cause others to reflect on a subject, it\'s still a failure!"

Another crosstalk actor replied: "That\'s right, which is why a gala crosstalk is not at all easy to perform!"

A disciple of Master Xu who had been scolded by Zhang Ye before said: "Zhang Ye is just depending on his wit now, but when it comes to his crosstalk artistry being tested, he won\'t be able to succeed. If you guys don\'t believe me, just watch. It will just become more and more unfocused, without adhering to a main theme."

The points raised by these experts were definitely quite valid. In the past, Zhang Ye\'s crosstalk themes only focused on scolding people, scolding the crosstalk world, or subverting the Three Vulgarities. Although the crosstalk world members did not like it, in all honesty, those works were still valid as crosstalk performances. At least the theme was clear and the routine was a complete one. But if it was just using some gags from here and there to piece together a routine, that would not be considered crosstalk, much less an even more demanding gala crosstalk!

...

At the venue of Beijing Television\'s Spring Festival Gala.

The crosstalk routine was still proceeding.

Yao Jiancai said, "I only deserve 10 points out of 10,000? Am I that lousy? Are you even praising me?"

Zhang Ye replied, "What I mean is that you still have much potential for improvement."

"Save it. You\'re stepping on me this early into the festive season. Before we took the stage, it was announced that our crosstalk performance is titled \'Everything is Great\'. So why are you steering away from the subject?"

Zhang Ye looked left and right. "Everything is great for whom?"

Yao Jiancai responded, "Us, of course! And the audience too!"

Zhang Ye snorted. "Everything is great for all of you, but everything is not great for me!"

The audience was entertained. What was going on with Teacher Zhang?

Yao Jiancai asked out of concern, "Why, we\'re celebrating the Spring Festival, so what\'s wrong? Haven\'t you been pretty fine all this while?"

Zhang Ye gesticulated. "All of you are really supportive of me today, but I had a really rough time in the past."

Yao Jiancai sighed, "Hai, who hasn\'t had a rough time?"

"Before I did crosstalk and hosting, I did not even have a stable job."

"Really?"

Zhang Ye went on tirelessly, "I had just graduated from university back then and was job searching."

"It\'s the same for everyone."

"Ever since I was young, I\'ve had the dream of becoming a soccer player."

Yao Jiancai looked at Zhang Ye. "Not bad."

"When I first went to apply to a team, the soccer coach took a liking to me immediately. He said that I\'m a million times more talented than last year\'s FIFA World Player of the Year, Lionel Messi!"

Yao Jiancai exclaimed, "Whoa, then you must be a soccer genius!"

"Then he said afterwards that there were only two things that hindered my development in the sport."

Yao Jiancai asked with interest, "Which two things?"

Zhang Ye answered, "My left and right feet."

Hearing that, the audience laughed like crazy!

"Hahahaha!"

"Left and right feet?"

"Aiyo, what the hell!"

"This joke is so funny!"

"How did Zhang Ye think of that, hahaha!"

Yao Jiancai pretended to vomit blood. "Hai, then that just means you\'re not cut out for it!"

Zhang Ye said angrily, "I was disappointed too, so when I realized that there was no future for me in soccer, I went ahead and applied for a private company instead. I sent out my résumé and went for an interview, but without even looking me in the eye, the interviewer told me, \'I\'ll give you a minute to leave an impression on me.\'"

Yao Jiancai laughed, "Yup, that\'s how many interviewers do it."

Zhang Ye said, "I instantly knew I could do that, so I walked up to him and whirled around to give him a great slap! After that, I quickly turned around and ran away!"

Yao Jiancai was startled. "Whoa, then you must surely have left a huge impression!"

A great slap?

The live audience was in stitches!

Zhang Ye said, "In the end, I passed my interview. The moment I stepped out of that company\'s office, I received a call from that person inviting me back to the company."

Yao Jiancai sighed, "Hai."

"I thought about it for a long time, but did not dare return!"

Yao Jiancai laughed and said, "Yeah, you shouldn\'t go back."

Audience: "Hahahahaha!"

Zhang Ye said in frustration, "I was disappointed again, so I went into a public bathroom and washed my face. I stared into the mirror and told myself, \'Zhang Ye, you must be strong. These little difficulties can\'t set you back. Come on, be strong!\'"

Yao Jiancai nodded. "You can\'t lose heart."

Zhang Ye continued, "After cheering myself on, I felt much better and managed to calm myself down. When I came out the bathroom, I saw a man come out of the bathroom opposite mine."

When he said that, Zhang Ye turned around with a look of horror.

Yao Jiancai was stunned. "Ah? You were in the female bathroom all that time?"

Some of the audience members were in tears from laughing!

"Hahahaha!"

"Yi!"

"Aiyo, I\'m dying of laughter!"

Beijing Television\'s Spring Festival Gala hosts were also cramping from laughing too much at their corner!

Dong Shanshan covered her mouth and laughed hard!

Zhang Ye rapidly said, "So I quickly took off!"

Yao Jiancai agreed, "You had to."

"A bunch of old women came chasing after me out of the bathroom. The one leading the chase even shouted, \'Catch him. That\'s the man who kept talking nonstop in the female bathroom, making me too afraid to come out!\'"

Yao Jiancai was amused. "How unlucky can you get?"

Zhang Ye said with anger, "I thought to myself that this couldn\'t go on any further. I had to find a job and earn some money. But how could I do that? I had to spend some money first, right?"

Yao Jiancai shook his head disapprovingly. "By \'gifting\'?"

"I spent quite a sum, but I was finally able to get myself a job at a state-owned enterprise in Beijing."

"Is that so?"

Zhang Ye happily related, "This job of mine was really good. We didn\'t need to work at all and the section chief, who I \'gifted presents\' to in order to get the job, often brought us out for meals. There were usually seven or eight of us and we would always order a tableful of dishes."

Yao Jiancai asked, "What did you guys usually have?"

Zhang Ye recited, "Steamed lamb, steamed bear\'s paw, steamed deer\'s tail, roast duck, roast chicken, roast green goose, stewed pork, stewed duck, brown sauce chicken, bacon, century egg, hog maw, braised pork, sausage, assorted vegetables, smoked chicken with white cut tripe, eight treasure steamed pork, duck with glutinous stuffing, pot-braised pheasant, pot-braised quail, brined giblets, brined goose, pheasant, dried hare meat, meal wraps, whitebait, steamed frog legs, braised duck kidney, braised duck slices, cold-tossed duck strips, stir-fried aorta, braised eel, braised finless eel, catfish with black beans, pan-fried carp, stewed softshell turtle, stir-fried carp, stir-fried shrimp, soft-fried pork tenderloin, soft-fried chicken, assorted innards, pot-stewed jackdaws, spicy fried rolls, sautéed mushrooms, sautéed fish slices, sautéed fish maw, sautéed fish fillets, meat fillets sautéed in vinegar…"

This whole recital was the traditional speed recital piece, "The Imperial Feast List." All the audience members were dumbfounded when they heard that!

The crosstalk comedians who were watching the show on their televisions could only look at one another as they gasped at that recital!

Anyone could do speed recitals, especially "The Imperial Feast List." This was considered a basic skill for crosstalk comedians like them. Even most of the "straight man" comedians could recite that, but what was astounding was none of them could recite it the way Zhang Ye recited it. His recital speed could easily be described as insane, as he sped through the entire list in one breath using the same speed he used for his advertising messages in The Voice!

No one could replicate his style!

It was the first time everyone had heard such a fast recital!

Tang Dazhang felt a sinking feeling too. He did not expect Zhang Ye to be able to skillfully combine a traditional crosstalk\'s speed recital into his performance like that, and even matched it to the speed that had astonished the country\'s citizens back when they first heard it on The Voice!

Rapturous applause thundered!

Bba bba bba!

"Great!"

"Well said!"

"Amazing!"

"This reciting speed, it\'s as though he\'s taking off from a runway!"

The audience also had goosebumps from hearing the speed recital done at that speed! This speed was at least three or four times faster than any other crosstalk comedian could muster!

This speed recital was too astonishing!

Onstage, Zhang Ye had finished speaking.

Yao Jiancai said in surprise, "Why did you guys order so many dishes? How much would that even cost?"

Zhang Ye waved it off. "Public funds!"

Yao Jiancai suddenly realized what he meant. "Hai!"

Hearing that, many of the crosstalk comedians were stunned again. He was doing a satirical piece on officials paying for banquets with public funds?

Yao Jiancai said, "Our country is cracking down on such practices! But you guys still dare to do that in defiance of the policy?"

Zhang Ye replied, "We don\'t only eat and drink, our chief often brings us along on vacation too. To Shanghai, Guilin, Suzhou, there\'s no place we won\'t go."

"You\'re all burning the cash away."

Zhang Ye looked at Old Yao and said, "But during our trips, I\'ve seen some uncivilized behavior."

Yao Jiancai asked, "What kind of uncivilized behavior?"

"On some monuments and attraction signs, there are people who write things like \'XX, I love you\' or engrave their names on them like \'Yao Jiancai\'—"

Yao Jiancai quickly stopped him from going further. "I\'m not involved! I don\'t do things like that!"

The audience burst out laughing. "Hahahaha!"

Zhang Ye stated, "I was just citing an example, don\'t take it so seriously."

"But it\'s true that such uncivilized behavior exists!"

"My sense of justice is quite strong, so I got really angry when I saw those inscriptions. I was so angry that I had to criticize them! It was outrageous!"

Yao Jiancai nodded in agreement. "Right, you must definitely criticize those people!"

Zhang Ye pondered for a second before picking up the fan from the table and using it as a pen to write in the air as he spoke, "Dear comrade, I must criticize you! Why are you vandalizing the signs by putting your words on them? Do you have any class? Are you a civic-minded citizen? How did your father bring you up? How did your mother bring you up? How did your grandpa bring you up? How did your grandma bring you up? How did your grandaunt bring you up? How did your eighth grandaunt bring you up?"

Yao Jiancai was stunned by this.

The audience was laughing themselves into a mess!

"I can\'t take it anymore!"

"Hahahahaha!"

"Aiyo, my tears are spewing!"

Zhang Ye vented, "In any case, I wrote over a thousand words on the wall to criticize their behavior! They\'re so infuriating!"

Yao Jiancai stared at him. "A thousand words?"

"But of course. Who asked them to be so uncivilized!"

Yao Jiancai said in mock anger, "Others would only write a few words such as \'XX was here,\' but you wrote a thousand words? You\'re even more uncivilized than them!"

Zhang Ye rolled his eyes. "How am I uncivilized? When our chief saw it, he even commended me. He said, \'Little Zhang, you did well. When you see such uncivilized behavior, you must always point it out!\'"

The audience: "Hahahaha!"

Yao Jiancai nearly fainted. "With a chief like that, you\'d get into trouble sooner than you think!"

Zhang Ye suddenly clicked his tongue and said, "Oh, you\'ve got it spot on. Only a few days later something else occurred."

"What happened?"

"We went overseas for a vaca—no, I mean we went overseas for a work trip and encountered some pirates in the Caribbean."

Yao Jiancai was startled. "Whoa!"

"After the pirates boarded our ship, they took out their guns and demanded a ransom of 5 million!"

"What did you guys do?"

"We had to rely on the experience of our chief. He immediately sought out the captain of the pirates and said, \'It\'s alright if you want a ransom of 5 million, but we require an invoice of 10 million!\'"

"Ah?"

"The pirates cried at that and said that we definitely knew how to make money better than they did!"

Yao Jiancai sighed, "Hai!"

The waves of laughter at the venue kept drowning out the previous wave!

"Hahaha!"

"Issue an invoice for 10 million? Aiyo!"

"Hahahahaha!"

As they watched up to this segment, the crosstalk world members fell silent.

Several of those crosstalk comedians who had publicly doubted Zhang Ye\'s performance on Weibo earlier had disappeared from the platform.

The audience was stoked as though they were high on adrenaline!

Networking by "gifting"?

Satire on publicly funded banquets?

Irony of dealing with the uncivilized behavior of tourists?

Bluntly highlighting the tricks resorted to for claiming reimbursements?

These were all the basic means in crosstalk to criticize the problems in the society! But they also required a very advanced technique to bring the point across!

It was now that a lot of people finally understood that Zhang Ye had used his work experience to connect and interpret it into his crosstalk routine today. He had used various gags and jokes to satirize the misconducts happening in society nowadays! In addition to that irreplicable and astonishing speed recital…

Who said that Zhang Ye doesn\'t know how to do a gala crosstalk routine?

Who said that Zhang Ye couldn\'t do a traditional routine?

That\'s bullshit, just like your grandma\'s balls!