The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

“The Holy Bathing Basin? There was such a thing?”

It wasn’t difficult to discover the Holy Church’s intentions, at least on the surface. After all, the Holy Church possessed many members, and there would always be loose-lipped ones among them. Not to mention that there were quite a large number of Holy Knights accompanying them for protection this time. It was just too easy to deal with those tin cans, whose brains were nothing but pure muscle, and find out some information from them.

“Haha! Don’t joke with me. Among all the gifts that you sent to the Holy Church earlier, the ‘Holy Bathing Basin’ was the most special one of all. It was one of the three remaining holy artifacts left behind by the God of Holy Light while he was still human. The new Pope Caloma, who just ascended recently, was ecstatic, and treated the holy artifact’s return as a divine miracle, a present from the Gods, and even organized a huge ceremony for the holy artifact’s return.”

Kelly seemed to be in a good mood as she looked over our newest information report.

It seemed that I was quite lucky; I had given them such an extravagant present at such an appropriate time. However, I didn’t recall sending them a “Holy Bathing Basin” among the presents I prepared.

I did my best to recall my previous preparations. From a certain standpoint, if I wanted to have the Northlands develop as I planned, there was an obstacle that I would always have to face eventually—the Holy Church that reigned over the entirety of human society.

If I overstepped their boundaries by even a slight amount and that Pope Caloma had a stroke or something and declared some Holy War against the East Mist, then that would surely be quite fun for us.

This wasn’t me thinking too much into things. With a huge upcoming battle, the God of Holy Light definitely wouldn’t come looking for trouble with us; in fact, the God might even come looking for allies (cannon fodder). However, the Holy Church consisted of mortals and it was much more difficult to guess at their future actions. It was all the more so since, in my “glorious” past, I had basically destroyed almost the entirety of the Holy Church’s allied armies. It was now even easier to make them sensitive and injure their pride.

It wasn’t limited to that. Just recently, we had just forced the Holy Church’s branches here to leave. If we were just a normal distant country, with Wumianzhe supporting us, it wouldn’t be too big of a big deal since there were plenty of countries other than the Eastern Mist Communal Country that had rejected the Holy Light’s teachings. In this world of Eich where so many Gods existed, the God of Holy Light wasn’t able to kill all the other Gods and become the only one who was worshiped.

However, we had just won a large-scale battle that everyone had been paying attention to. This fierce battle also proved that we were a force to be reckoned with, and all of human society now had a new opinion of the Northlands. What came along with that were some small troubles. The critical point, of how the Northlands overcame their situation, was long since discovered by those seeking information to be the return of the undead knights.

Knights that should have been in eternal rest walked back out from the pages of history. The former head priest in East Mist had tried to obstruct me, so I angrily shouted at him and even exiled him. Following that, the Law God himself had descended upon the battlefield. This entire city became the location of a divine miracle; it was like a fairy tale.

Actually, these legendary tales had already been spread by countless bards in taverns and on the streets. All the listeners were astonished by the tales of the undead knights who still waved their tattered flags. Not only did these tales serve to increase East Mist’s reputation, but they also indirectly helped dig up some forgotten past stories. All those wronged and insulted heroic knights would naturally cause the Holy Church, who was the antagonist in these tales, to have their reputation be negatively affected.

Perhaps, after all their numerous internal changes, the current Holy Church was no longer that former foolish, arrogant, and ineffective institution. However, most people wouldn’t care about those subtle differences. The masses were unable of discerning the truth for themselves and would naturally receive a negative impression of the Holy Church. Not to mention that there were already plenty of human kings and lords that were dissatisfied with the God of Holy Light’s authority, and those kings and lords inflamed the rumors, making the slap to the Holy Church’s face hurt all the even more. If it weren’t for the fact that there was currently an ongoing Holy War, perhaps they would have already come looking for trouble.

Of course, I wouldn’t regret what I had done, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to avoid trouble.

If we had been destroyed in this battle after exiling the Holy Church from our territory, then this story would have turned into one about a fool who was so arrogant that he overestimated his own strength, causing his own destruction. However, we had won, and it was even a complete victory without any assistance from the Holy Church when all other battlefields were in dire straits. Then, the one who was treated as a big fool who received a vicious slap in the face obviously wasn’t our side.

We accidentally made the Holy Church lose a significant amount of face and put them in a difficult spot. When I realized all this, I wasn’t happy at all. Instead, I broke out into a cold sweat.

“This time, we definitely antagonized them seriously. If they wanted to do something against us, they won’t even have to do all that much. All they need to do is publicly declare East Mist to be a heretical country, and request all believers in the Holy Light to stay far away from East Mist, and have all the countries that believe in the Holy Light to stop all trade and diplomatic relations with East Mist. This would basically exile East Mist from the entirety of human society. Since we still can’t produce enough food resources for ourselves yet, we won’t be able to handle it.”

It was supposed to be necessary for everyone to band together during the Holy War? According to my numerous years of experience accumulated through my suffering, I could never underestimate those ‘high’ and ‘mighty’ who had authority in just how low their moral boundaries or shortsightedness could be.

Worry about the big situation? They could always take mysterious actions at even the slightest hint of a change in the weather. In history, there was already a countless number of shortsighted, foolish actions. As long as the treasures before them were attractive enough, they were capable of selling their own neckties that would hang them to death.

What? You’re saying I’m thinking too much into things, and that I have severe paranoia? I’m just an unlucky individual who had suffered too much, so I never had any expectations of my stupid teammates. Every time, I would always plan for the worst, and most of the time I would be correct to do so.

In such a situation, I still had to withstand the pressure and force my undead acceptance plan through. This was basically no different than wearing a crown that declared me as the king of all that was evil and heretical. However, right now, there wasn’t much time left, and this time of revolutionary change that could explosively increase our country’s strength wasn’t something I could stop. Since the Holy Church still held the majority of humanity’s faith in them, we absolutely had to eliminate any enmity they had for us. At the very least, they should not want to attack us until the end of the Holy War.

In order for my plan to succeed, I did indeed send some envoys bearing gifts to them right after the war with the beastmen ended. However, I recalled that I merely sent some former treasures left behind by me in the past that might have been somewhat valuable but were meaningless to me.

“A holy artifact left behind by the God of Holy Light himself? How is that possible? I couldn’t possibly have had such a thing.”

Not even mentioning the fact that I wouldn’t have such a holy artifact, even if I did have one, how could I possibly give away something as truly useful as a holy artifact or God Equipment? And when looking at who I was dealing with, even if I grit my teeth and gave one to them, it probably wouldn’t be as useful as some golden and shiny valuables.

“Are they just acting their own performance in order to mediate the relationship between us? I heard that when Caloma the First just ascended to the position of pope, there were some uncertain factors about his selection and his position was rather unstable. This sudden incident about challenging the Holy Church’s authority was already going to be difficult for him to deal with. If he takes care of it by saying that we gave him an extravagant present as a way of apologizing, that would indeed be good for his own reputation and authority.”

However, I immediately denied this possibility.

“No, he doesn’t have any reason to act like this since the risk to benefit ratio isn’t beneficial for him. In their eyes, we aren’t even half as important as a human mega-empire, and this little controversy of theirs will pass by in just a few months and become meaningless. There’s no point in acting for our sake, and if they’re exposed to be pretending, that would give them a much more serious impact. Then, that so-called Holy Bathing Basin must be real.”

And so, I inquired as to what that holy artifact looked like.

“It’s an oak wooden barrel that seems like it’s crafted by hand. It’s the last known artifact that the God of Holy Light used to bathe himself with before ascending to God status.”

Holy artifact? It sounded pretty cool, but in all honesty, it was just something boring. Either they were important objects with great historical significance, or they were daily life objects used by True Gods when they were still mortals, so part of their essences was imbued in these objects. Who cared about a holy wooden barrel? Wumianzhe’s holy artifacts included a little yellow ducky holy pillow and a raindrop patterned holy toothbrush cup. Cough—cough—I seem to have accidentally revealed too much.

But that didn’t mean that holy artifacts’ power could be underestimated. The more ancient a God was, the fewer holy artifacts that remained for them. And, with the faith of countless believers pouring into it, these ancient holy artifacts really did possess unimaginable power. Perhaps they were meaningless to people that had no relation to the God in question, but in the hands of a true believer, each holy artifact represented the sincerest form of devotion and high authority.

“A wooden barrel for washing yourself? I don’t have any impression of such an item at all.”

Everything I gave to the Holy Church as a present came from my personal collection. Most of them were from the Yongye generation, but I really couldn’t recall any wooden barrel. Even if I did come across a wooden barrel of some sort, I couldn’t have possibly added it to my collection.

“There is some huge beast’s claw and teeth marks on it as well, as if some evil existence tried to destroy this holy artifact but failed in the end.”

“Ohhh! So it was that item! Ah Bao’s dog food bowl.”

Right after I said it, I already knew that I had made a mistake by saying it out loud, and I covered my mouth. However, it was already too late. Judging by how Kelly was clutching her chest, it seemed as though she was having a heart attack. Weren’t wood elves supposed to be immune to natural illnesses?

“As one of the God of Holy Light’s last remaining holy artifacts, it is one of the highest-level holy objects in countless Holy Light believers’ minds. You definitely can’t ever let any Holy Light believer learn that you used it as a dog food bowl; otherwise, the next Holy War will be right at our doorstep. I won’t permit the newly born Mist Kingdom to perish again for such a ridiculous reason!”

Alright then, for the first time I learned that even the gentle wood elves were capable of angrily roaring.

Actually, this wasn’t my fault at all. How could I possibly know that it was a holy artifact? Back in the day when I was Yongye and fighting all-out against the Holy Church, after one casting of Ice Aeon, not much would remain afterward. One time when cleaning up the battlefield after using Ice Aeon, I discovered that this wooden barrel actually wasn’t damaged at all, so I thought it was quite sturdy. When I thought about how Ah Bao always accidentally tore apart his own food bowls, I decided to use it as his new dog food bowl. And so, it’s been his dog food bowl for over one hundred years already.

Back when the Holy Church’s allied armies were attacking the Army of Yongye, probably some major figure in their army had intended to use this holy artifact as their trump card, but after my forbidden spell, the owner died first without being able to use it, and it ended up as my loot.

“But why did I give it to them? Oh, right, there were too many random presents of all sorts of shapes and sizes, so I randomly found a wooden barrel to put them all in. So, the wooden barrel packaging was the most valuable of them all. Sigh, what a big loss.”

Right when I finished speaking, I discovered to my astonishment that Kelly had collapsed while clutching her chest. It seemed that the wood elves, which were never supposed to get sick, were susceptible to heart attacks as well.

“Sister Kelly, don’t scare me! If your heart is in a bad condition, tell me earlier!”

“It’s all because you’ve made me so angry! Is it even possible for you to be more ridiculous?!”

After some consideration, I proudly nodded.

“Yes, I think that there is some room to improve.”

“Don’t laugh so proudly! Nobody is praising you here!”